Did you take a close look at your insurance policies lately?
author: Leon Botha
Did you take a close look at your insurance policies lately?
Does it contain a clause where for instance they do not have to pay out in case of your death “if you die while you intentionally break any law” – that is for instance if you drive at better than 120 on the open road and you are involved in a car accident – even when you are not guilty or the cause of the accident!
You drive while your blood alcohol content is higher than .05 – which means you had three drinks (only) during the hour before your death. If you had three in the hour before the hour we are talking about – your blood alcohol level will be around .09 which is pissed out of your mind in the eyes of a judge, while your wife will describe you in the eulogy as an alcoholic whose insurance did not even pay out.
Up to a level of around 2.4 you will believe that you are the best driver in South Africa, the wisest man on the planet, and Rambo in the eyes of the girls hanging around in the bar for free drinks. The only guys who think you are a complete arse is close family and friends.
If after a night such as described in the previous paragraph, you decide to commit suicide while sitting in you car sniffing exhaust fumes because you woke up next to one of the “beautiful” girls who hung around in the bar the previous night, and saw her teeth in the glass in front of her bed side, and her wig hanging over the bedpost, and you woke up because she snored like an hippopotamus’ cousin the well known walrus – things may still go further wrong when your wife and children stand in the queue of the payout counter at Snizzelwitch (we don’t pay out we haggle) Insurance company.
“Have you the death certificate” and the family all hand in their copies to make sure the Snizzelwitch agent believes that you have gone up in fumes.
“Hoi” shouts Snizzelwitch – “I see thees husband of yours died while sniffing zee fumes from an exhaust, ja?” You see Snizzelwitch still has a bit of the German accent his grandpa picked up in one or other camp during the war that has been over for longer than most people would be able to remember.
And your whole family agrees, including the gardener, maid, and poodle that came with to witness this affair.
Your wife will probably manage to shed a tear at that moment thinking how she is going to throw your stuff into the garbage disposer and personally hand in your golf set to the first man whose wife she cannot stand.
To cut a long story short, you have managed to piss your family off one more time – even after your death when all their hopes and dreams are shattered - because you could not even plan your death properly!
So take care when you sign a policy, and take extra care when you need to die after the night before! Stay sober and within the speed limit when you decide to go into the Oskosh but remember if you hope to get out alive because you just wanted to give everybody a fright – even with all the airbags and goodies in the cars these days most of the tests you see on TV where the dummies loose their heads, pop through the wall that held back the car etc. are done at about 35km/h!
Then it also seems to be the in thing these days to confiscate your car when you are caught for drunken driving twice in a row. You are declared a habitual-criminal, your car that belongs to a bank is taken away from you, while they leave the payments behind – yes, it’s true (so they say) you have to pay it while you walk around with a poster announcing that you are a habitual drunk.
The SS has now decided to work closely with the Arrive Alive clan to clamp down on road abusers such as speedsters. No, not drunk drivers, you only get caught for drunken driving when they catch you speeding and you fall over when you get out of the car to blow the laser-camera because you are not happy with an alcohol reading of 179!
After you puke into the cop’s left hand pocket the second time, you are in real trouble as that is where he keeps the bribes he received during the past hour. Luckily he cashes out every hour on the hour into the car’s boot.
No sir, the taxi’s that race in the emergency lane of the highways, and flash lights for the Metro Police car to move his aarse, and who is racing ahead of them (I swear I have seen that), they are “A for Away and OK”!
About a month ago I was stopped after allegedly driving at the frightful speed of 139 km/h – luckily I saw them almost in time – by the highway men – well to be honest one guy and three women.
After making dead sure that they cocked up the process it still took me the best part of 25 minutes to get a certain Ms Hokey Mahlangu to write out the summons. She was sitting on a deck chair while I had to stand – which does not worry me too much, but would you believe me if I say that all this commotion took place in the middle of the two lanes of the highways, there where even the dear Lord may hardly park when he comes down for an inspection of the chaos!
Right between the two white lines! So when you have to get back on the road, eventually after Ms Mahlangu gave up to spell Schalk – which is one of my names if you will believe that!!
Where does the “Leon” come from – well that is a story for another day – the long and short of this one is that when you rejoin the road, you rejoin in the fast lane! This is not the worse part of it, these guys stop three four vehicles at a time – blocking your view of the approaching cars!
So, what do you do when you eventually have to rejoin?
That’s right you take the Scooby up to the rev limiter, set launch control, press your head against the headrest and drop the clutch – hoping that nothing approaching doing better than 120 before you have gained enough speed to equal theirs. This takes you about 30 metres if it is tuned right.
How can Arrive Alive hope to do their job properly when the emphasis is not in the right place? Of course speeding is a cause of death in case of an accident, but is it really the cause of accidents? Something like 34% (under correction) of road fatalities are pedestrians – and if you look at the millions spent on walls, with holes in it, fences with gates cut through, unused bridges etc. you realise that Arrive Alive has a problem.
But my question to them is – how much more proof do you need than when taxi’s driving in the emergency lane causes a huge accident where about 22 people are injured. How much more proof do they need than that almost every time you hear about accidents claiming more than 10 lives a taxi is involved? Do you need the cops hiding between the bushes or do you need them visible in strategic spots to clamp down on the real cause of road deaths? Why not record every cops conduct and make sure that he remains within the camera view in hearing distance to clamp down on the real cause of road deaths - bribery and corruption?
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This is a typical high speed accident scene. Don't become involved! Stay sober.
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How can you even think of implementing a penalty-point-system for offences when offenders can buy their way through your so-called traffic officers? I will take you to two permanent spots where you can pay R200 for any speed you did - anytime you wish.
How many criminal files disappear into thin smoke when you have the right contacts?
Tips – if you do have to drive while under the influence – rent or borrow a car! If you have to speed – take off all your number plates and don’t stop – they are usually too fat or too busy taking bribes from other people to bother with one or two who get away.
Jokes aside - the best tip – don’t drink and drive – you do not want to face all the consequences!
There is no excuse to drive on the roads while you have had any even ONE intoxicating drink. I really mean anything! I am amazed sometimes when I see intelligent people who normally act rationally, who are responsible human beings, get into their cars thinking – goodness knows what they actually think – they are sober enough and drive away while definitely under the influence.
Do yourself a favour and go around to police stations at about midnight – just to see where you may land late on a Friday night and what the next two days of your life are going to be like.
When you eventually get your wits together and the investigating officer tells you that you wiped out your family – and that you are not so lucky to be alive – then it is too late – no amount of “Please God – give me just one more chance” will bring them back.
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..and you are lucky to be alive?
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No excuse – is good enough! Don’t do it!
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